Conflict Management

Unhealthy conflict

Conflict and disagreements are part and parcel of relationships.  But when conflict is not managed, it can put the relationship under tremendous stress.

Mis-managed conflict can cause heated shouting matches or cold distance from one another, leaving both partners feeling discouraged, lonely and isolated and wondering: “If we can’t get along, maybe we should just break up.”

Disagreements can trigger emotions, and when we are overwhelmed by these emotions we may feel stuck in “fight or flight” responses. Arguments escalate to the point that hurtful things are said (or shouted), and as a result we may shut off from one another.

We may also find ourselves avoiding topics altogether, just so we don’t have to face another fight or end up getting hurt or hurting the person we love.

Important topics don’t get discussed and they become painful “elephants in the room”.

what research says about conflict

Research on couples that stay together and ones that choose to separate show that the most common predictors of separation is the way conflict is managed (or mis-managed). When disagreements turn to criticism, when anger turns to verbal or physical aggression, and when fear and discouragement turn to stonewalling, couples are more likely to break up.

This makes sense: who wants to stay in a relationship where there are constant feelings of anger, resentment, fear or shame around the way they interact with their partner?

Couples therapy can help you manage disagreements and ensure that you do not go down the dangerous path of mis-managed conflict.

managing conflict

Luckily, there are several ways that people can learn to manage the emotions and the communication that comes along with conflicts and disagreements.

When couples learn to create a safe environment where opinions and emotions can be shared, listened to and understood, conflicts can actually be an opportunity for greater understanding of one another.

Couples counseling can support you in developing strategies to approach conflicts in a constructive and loving way.

DON’T WAIT UNTIL IT’S TOO LATE

When conflict becomes a constant in the relationship, it may be a sign that you are getting stuck - and this may lead to greater resentment and distance, chipping away at the intimacy and teamwork that holds the couple (and family) together. 

It is important to step in early - everything you learn about managing differences of opinions and emotional injuries can help you build a solid foundation to deal with future conflicts, misunderstandings and unintentional slights so that the two of you can grow closer together.

COUNSELLING FOR CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

In couples counseling, we will work on two levels.

Emotions and Communication: The first level will be to slow things down and understand the dynamics of the fighting. What emotions are coming up for each of you? How are you reacting to each other? What defenses are getting in the way of the two of you really listening to each other? What tools and strategies can you use to make sure that you are being listened to? How can you help your partner feel respected and understood?

Conflict resolution: Once we have slowed things down and tried out different communication strategies, I can guide you in addressing the core issues that you are facing - issues around making decisions about the future, managing finances, friction with extended family, cultural differences or whatever the case may be. Through open communication we can explore the dreams, fears and values that are at the heart of the conflict, enabling you to better understand each other and strengthen your bond.

FIND OUT MORE

If you’d like to find out more about couple’s therapy, you can read my other specialty pages, check out the FAQs on couple’s therapy, or get in touch.

You can also check out my Mental, Emotional and Relational Wellbeing Workshops or follow me on Social Media to stay up-to-date on all other initiatives related to Relational Wellbeing.